All posts by theroadjacker

Help available in Sheffield 08088082241

You have the right to love your life free from fear, violence and abuse. 

Domestic abuse is about power and control and can involve physical, emotional , sexual and financial abuse as well as forced marriage and honor based violence. It is rarely a one-off incident and tends to get worse over time. You might feel frightened, humiliated and isolated.

Remember: you are not to blame and you are not alone.

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone regardless of gender, age, race, class, culture, disability, sexuality or lifestyle. It is acknowledged in Sheffield that men can experience abuse and women can be abusers.

Call the Sheffield Domestic Abuse Helpline on 08088082241. Sheffield Domestic Abuse Helpline is free from landlines and mist mobile networks.

Visit Sheffield Domestic Abuse website www.sheffielddact.org.uk or email help@sheffielddact.org.uk

Is this a confidential service?

What you tell the Sheffield Domestic Abuse Helpline about yourself and your circumstances is confidential and they will respect your need for safety. If there are urgent safety issues for you, another adult, or a child or young person, which will require the disclosure of information, they will keep you involved and informed of this.

 

 

Sheffield Drug and Alcohol/Domestic Abuse Coordination Team. (2016). Retrieved from http://sheffielddact.org.uk/.
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Graham’s Survival Story

Graham called us following the Coronation Street storyline. He said it was spooky to watch as it was very much like what he had been through and brought back a lot of memories. He wanted to share his story with us in order to show men in the same position that there is no shame in being a victim, and that they should come forward and get help.

Graham was married to his wife for 10 years before he felt strong enough to leave and divorce her.

fotolia_429563061During their marriage his wife was violent to both him and their son. She had a drink problem, which only made the violence worse. But she would use this as an excuse after every attack and promised to change. Graham even tried to commit suicide twice throughout their marriage because he did not know where to go for help.

During the final attack, Graham was stabbed in the head by his wife. He managed to leave the house bleeding profusely and got to a public telephone. He just about managed to ring 999 before he collapsed. He woke up in hospital with no memory of how he got there.

Throughout the relationship Graham told no one of the abuse he was suffering. She had made him feel like it was his fault and he blamed himself for all of it.

After they separated, Graham was kept from seeing his son for 2 years. But following a very lengthy Court process he was eventually granted sole custody and has brought his son up alone ever since.

For years following the divorce, Graham found it very hard to enter into another relationship as it was difficult for him to trust women. However, recently he has formed a new relationship and it is going very well for them both.

 

Mankind. (2016). Graham’s Story. Retrieved from http://new.mankind.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Grahams-Story.pdf.

 

Types of domestic abuse

Domestic Violence and Domestic Abuse is not just about physical abuse, it includes other behaviours such as emotional and psychological, sexual, financial, coercive control and isolating people.

It happens within intimate relationships as well as between family members. You are not to blame and you are not alone; there is help available and you can escape. A pattern of bullying and controlling behaviours form and most men do not believe or feel they are a victim until sometime after they no longer have control of their life and have become isolated.

The abuse tends to get worse over time and is rarely a one-off event. Abusers can be very manipulative in the way they use their power and control over you and may blame you and other factors for their abusive behaviours.

You are not alone; men from all backgrounds, professionals and sexualities are reaching out for help against domestic abuse. Government’s statistics show one in six men will be a victim in their lifetime and one in three of all victims of domestic abuse are men.
We have stories from some men, which can be viewed by clicking the links below, who have had the confidence to come forward in order to help build others with their (names have been changed to respect anonymity), along with a blog for you to be able to speak to others.

Graham’s Story

Sam’s Story

 

Help Guide. (2016). Domestic Violence and Abuse Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships. Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.html

Sam’s Story

I was with my wife for six years. I used to do everything I could for her. I paid off her debts, paid her bills and paid for her car. But I soon learnt that nothing would ever be enough for her. The emotional abuse started first. I was very rarely allowed to go anywhere by myself. When I was it would only be to work and even then she would phone me constantly throughout the day. I tried to leave her when this started, but she emotionally blackmailed me to stay by overdosing on tablets; which I later found out she would spit them out under the bed. She would also threaten to hurt any future girlfriends I have so badly that I wouldn’t want to be with her. Optimistically thinking that things could get better between us I proposed to her after two years of being together. This was the biggest mistake of my life- things went dramatically downhill from that moment. The first time she viciously attacked me was on Good Friday 2008. I don’t know why or what provoked her. She ran into the house, grabbed a knife and as soon as I walked in she was attacking me with it. She then grabbed my testicles and twisted them as hard as she could and would not let go. It was excruciatingly painful. To this day I still do not know what caused her to be so violent. She would just snap from nice to nasty in an instant. The violence only got worse from there. The second time she attacked me, she followed me around the house punching me in the head, hitting me with a pint glass, knocked me to the flood and proceeded to drop her knee into my head repeatedly. It was ferocious and I genuinely feared for me life. I also remember on another occasion she was punching me in the eye when I was driving around a roundabout, so hard that she bruised her knuckles. I was however later in the wrong for causing the bruising. The most shocking attack however, happened on our wedding night. She really beat me, kicking and punching me repeatedly. I remember her digging her nails into my cheek, it felt like she was going to rip my cheek off. I managed to get away and ran down the road in bare feet and my wedding suit. I went back because she was threatening to hang herself with my wedding tie. I later got beaten because the cuts on my face ruined our honeymoon pictures. She was eventually convicted of assault by beating three years ago and given a six month restraining order. She subsequently lost her job as a care assistant. I have been left with a lot of fear and I am constantly on a state of high alert. I am however in the process of explaining my experience to my therapist. I am working on dealing with what happened to me and slowly moving on. It is a long and difficult process but I now that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and I will not allow her ruin my future.

 

 

Mankind. (2016). Sam’s Story. Retrieved from http://new.mankind.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/Sams-Story.pdf.http://new.mankind.org.uk/survivors-stories/

 

Cover your steps

Safety information

As you surf the internet, your internet browser (eg internet explorer) will save save certain information such as which sites you have visited, files you’ve downloaded and images you’ve viewed.

If you are worried that an abuser may have access to your computer, you can cover your tracks by taking a few simple precautions outlined below.

However, all of this information may not completely hide your tracks. If you have any doubts, you might prefer to use a friend’s computer, a work computer or visit a local library or internet cafe to ensure that you are safe.

Deleting cookies, files and internet history

If you know what browser you are using, then skip to the relevant instructions below. If you don’t know the type of browser you are using, click on Help on the toolbar at the top of the browser screen. A drop down menu will appear, the last entry will say About Internet Explorer, About Mozilla Firefox, or something similar. The entry refers to which browser type you are using – you should then refer to the relevant instructions below.

Internet Explorer
Click on the Tools menu and select Internet Options.
On the General page, under Temporary Internet Files:
Click on Delete Cookies and then OK
Click on Delete Files, put a tick in the box labeled Delete all offline content and then OK
Under History, click on Clear History and then OK
Now look at the top of the window and click on the Content tab, select AutoComplete and finally, Clear Forms.

Firefox/Netscape
Click on Tools and then Options, then click on Privacy.
Click on History and then Clear Browsing History Now.
Click on Saved forms and then Clear Saved Forms Data Now.
Click on Passwords and then untick Remember Passwords.
Click on Download History and then Clear Download History Now.
Click on Cookies and then Clear Cookies Now.
Click on Cache and then Clear Cache Now.

Alternatively to quickly erase all private data click on Tools and then Clear Private Data button (or ctrl+shift+delete on the keyboard).

Opera
Click on Tools and then Preferences.
Click on the Advanced tab and then the History section on the left-hand side.
Click the two Clear buttons and the Empty Now button.

Deleting your browsing history

Internet browsers also keep a record of all the web pages you visit. This is known as a ‘history’. To delete history for Internet Explorer and Netscape/Firefox hold down the Ctrl key on the keyboard, then press the H key (Crtl, Alt and H for Opera). Find any entries that sayhttp://www.respect.uk.net (or any other site you want to delete) right click and choose Delete.

Email

If an abuser has access to your email account, they may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. Make sure that you choose a password that an abuser will not be able to guess – and change it regularly, just in case.

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing e-mails, make sure you print and save them. Although you may be tempted to delete them – especially if they are distressing – they are evidence and may help you prove that a criminal offence has been committed.

This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

 

Mens Advice Line. (2016). How to cover your internet tracks. Retrieved from http://www.mensadviceline.org.uk/pages/mens_advice_cover_your_tracks.html.